Tag Archive for: Emotions

Can’t stand living with your spouse for another minute?  Don’t want to start another year with him or her?  Geoff Williams, Reuters, writes on NBCNEWS.Com today that it may be to your advantage to wait a few days until January to file for divorce.  He gives these reasons:

1. Year End Bonuses.  In Virginia, the date for determining marital assets is the date of separation.  In Maryland and DC, it is the trial date, but the court can take into consideration assets acquired after separation.  So you may want to time your separation, depending on whether you or your spouse is receiving the year end bonus.

2.  Emotions.  If your spouse remembers that you ruined Christmas, that may make it harder to settle.

3.  Shopping.  Your credit card bill may be higher in January if your spouse decides to get even with you by shopping.

4. Taxes.  If taxes go up in 2013, you may get a bigger deduction for paying alimony or have higher taxes for receiving it.

5. Planning.  Use the year end to start gathering and organizing all the financial information and documents you are going to need for your divorce.

I guess Ashton Kutcher didn’t read the article.  He filed for divorce from Demi Moore on Friday.

Scott Dekraai, 41, allegedly walked into the beauty salon where his ex-wife worked and killed her and seven other people yesterday in Seal Beach, California.  They were involved in a bitter custody battle over their 8 year old son.

I think there is a rage reaction lurking in all of us.  Most of us keep it under control.   But emotions are strong and they can overwhelm logical thinking.

I’ve had clients who have let their anger involve them in domestic violence.  I’ve had clients who have directed their anger inwardly and tried to commit suicide.  When I asked them why, they said something like “I don’t know.  I just snapped.”

My advice?  No matter what happens in your divorce, get control of your anger.  And have a big flashing neon sign in the back of your mind that says “The best revenge is living well.”

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.

Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.