David Code is a minister and author who says we all have a built in defense mechanism called scapegoating that allows us to blame others when life gets too stressful.

Scapegoating may have been useful for us when we were cave people, because it allows you to lay off stress on those around you, so you can concentrate on survival. But it can play havoc in a modern marriage when the most convenient scapegoat for your troubles is your spouse.

Being aware of the concept can go along way toward solving the problem. Criticizing your spouse or pointing out their faults may really be our own misdirected anxiety finding a nearby scapegoat. After all, if we had to take responsibility for our problems, we might also have to take responsibility for fixing them. It’s much easier to complain to our spouses.

This realization, says Code, may also allow you to give up searching for a Spouse-Upgrade. Thinking the grass is always greener is an illusion because our anxiety and scapegoating instincts will still be with us even if we have a different mate.