Four Prescriptions for a Happy Marriage

John Gottman says there are just four prescriptions for a happy marriage:

  1. Turn toward your partner (both physically and psychologically).
  2. Say positive things.
  3. Celebrate the hard times you’ve been through.
  4. Look at the Goldfinch (look if your partner says there’s a Goldfinch in the backyard).

The good thing is that these simple steps are within your control.  They are not hard to define like a “spark” or “that special something.”

/by James J. Gross

Want a Divorce? Maybe You’re Just Hungry

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Boca Divorce Attorney Jodi Furr Colton brought my attention to a Psychology Today study that correlates heightened aggression between spouses with their blood sugar.

The researchers gave 107 married couples voodoo dolls and pins for 21 days.  They were told to place as many pins in the doll as needed each night depending on how angry they were with their spouse.  They also blasted each other with noises through headphones while completing assigned taskes.  Their blood glucose levels were monitored.

It appears that the lower your blood sugar, the more hostile and cranky you are.  Others are more irritating to you and you are more irritating to others.  So if you and your spouse are getting on each other’s nerves, try eating some food.

/by James J. Gross

Hopi Saying Divorce Quote

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I dance
I fall down
I get up again
I go on dancing

— Hopi saying

/by James J. Gross

Maintaining Your Dignity and Self-Respect During Divorce

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Guest post by Evelyn Crowther

It’s rare that the process of divorce doesn’t bring conflict. Even the most embittered among us can hardly fail to be impressed by those who manage to go their separate ways without resorting to arguments about property, children or finances; and have somehow managed their separation in a minimally destructive way. It’s all too easy to get caught up in angry exchanges, both verbal and legal as we fight for our rights. There’s often a desire to prove ourselves the victim of terrible injustices, and have our spouse seen as the perpetrator of all wrongs, but the way we go about the process can be extremely self-sabotaging.

Amid the haranguing about who did what to whom, who gets the house, the car and the blame, there’s one highly underrated trophy; worth more than money or property, or even the need to be right. It’s our dignity.

Coping with the process of divorce will likely be one of the most emotionally draining and stressful periods of a lifetime, with survivors are often left feeling as though we’ve been put through the hot wash cycle and hung out to dry. We can find that we’re left with a loss of self-respect and a great deal of embarrassment, when we realize that far too many aspects of our conflict have been made public and there is literally, nowhere to hide.

If we can resist the strong pull of self-disclosure we are more likely to maintain a sense of self-worth and come away with our heads held a little higher. We all need a trustworthy friend with whom to share our deepest worries, but do we really need ten and their hairdressers? Gossip can easily get out of hand, and before we know it, that comment we made in the heat of the moment, has resulted in previously supportive friends now taking the other side. It takes courage and integrity not to escalate a situation where we feel we are being wronged, but by engaging in public warfare we lose more than we bargain for. If we can resist the urge to bad mouth our partner, we maintain dignity and greater long term privacy, when we are starting to rebuild our lives. Don’t shout from the rooftops – leave the shouting to the lawyers.

/by James J. Gross

Blogs to Help You Cope With Divorce

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Guest Post by Dave Landry, a blogger and small business owner who has gone through his own divorce and has turned to blogging to communicate with those with a similar plight in hopes of further establishing a communal platform of relief.

Divorce is a painful and often times complicated undertaking. There’s much more to the process of separating and dissolving a marriage than you may realize. You need to have a strong support system if you are going through a divorce, which in most cases qualifies as a traumatic event. This can involve legal and emotional counseling as well as social groups devoted to those who are or have gone through a divorce. You can also find many online resources.

Divorce blogs are a good source of help for those involved in divorces. They offer a wealth of scenarios and advice, from child custody, legal and financial issues, to division of assets.   In the case of debt,  proven agencies are available to assist in the management of financial disarray.

The following is a list of divorce blogs where those who are in a divorce can seek guidance:

Divorce360.com

Divorce 360 is a large and comprehensive blog site forth both men and women. The site offers stories from a wealth of individuals who are either facing a marriage breakup or have been through one. The blogs found on Divorce360.com include issues concerning infidelity, finances, as well as examining the patterns of behavior within a couple whose marriage may be in trouble. Guest blogs are highly encouraged.

Everyonegetsdivorced.com

Operated by two women named Jessica and Jean, everyonegetsdivorced.com offers practical advice in long-form writing about divorce which leans mostly to women. The writing is warm and sympathetic, and devoid of side taking, including against the man. The site also offers recipes for comfort food and photos of cute little animals, both of which can help to make a person feel a little better as they go through their divorce.

Divorce Diaries

Divorce Diaries, which is found on Woman’s Day.com, offers emotional, social and financial advice, mainly geared toward women, in the realm of divorce. The site’s blog entries also include advice concerning child care for single mothers as well as the overall pressures of motherhood. Because the blog is supported by an established publication such as Woman’s Day, the writing is well executed and ensures a wealth of pertinent subject matter regarding divorce.

Dads Divorce.com

Advice for men in regards to divorce can be hard to find. One very large, wide-ranging and prominent divorce-related site for men is Dads Divorce.com. This site offers a plethora of blog-based scenarios from legal issues, love, child support, as well as health-related writings. The health-related blogs are of particular interest as there have recently been studies that suggest divorce can have as many, if not more health risks to men than women.

/by Guest Post

Realtors Who Specialize in Divorce

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The New York Times has an article today about real estate agents and divorce.  In a divorce, someone is moving out, and frequently the house is sold.

Real estate agents and brokers have to represent two people who are sometimes not speaking to each other.  They may have to deal with court orders, half empty closets or a spouse in residence that doesn’t want to sell and move.

They don’t want the buyer to know about the divorce, because then the price goes down.

Sometimes an agent’s most difficult task is not keeping the divorce under wraps, but navigating between the two clients who are in the middle of it.  If you are a real estate agent, tell us some of  your stories about selling a house in the middle if a divorce.

/by James J. Gross

Gray Divorce Statistics

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The divorce rate for those over 50 years old doubled between 1990 and 2010.

One in four people divorcing are over 50.

The average retirement funds of a divorced person are $10,000 lower than average retirement funds of a married couple.

/by James J. Gross

Negotiation Tip: Segregation

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Some issues are just too big and complex to tackle all at once.  What to do about the children is a good example.

But you can eat an elephant if you take your time and take small bites.

That’s what you do in negotiations.  If you get stuck on a problem, start breaking it down into to smaller bites.  Separate the issues.

Segregate the big issue of “children” into custody and child support.

Then take custody and keep breaking it down.  Segregate custody into who will make the legal decisions, where will the child  live, and what will the time sharing schedule look like.

You can even break down legal decisions into separate pieces like who will decide which doctors to use, who will decide where the child goes to school and who will decide what religion to raise the child in.

Sometimes it’s easier to reach agreement with a series of small decisions than trying to tackle the whole thing at once.

/by James J. Gross

Divorce and Children (Part 1)

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Guest Post by David Williamson, content writer at Coles Solicitors who writes on different law and legal topics. He is expert in writing about personal injury law, family law, divorce law, employment law and many other legal topics.

Divorce affects everyone differently. The two main parties, the husband and wife, are of course usually the ones most notably affected. Commonly though, friends, relatives and even neighbors can be drawn into the fray in the face of the developing animosity. However, whereas adults will, more often than not eventually move on and lead normal happy lives again, perhaps with a new partner, children often experience different outcomes.

Divorce and its consequences can leave permanent scars on the psyche of children. The way a divorce is conducted and understanding the short and long-term effects it could have on children is important to ensuring they don’t suffer because of their parent’s personal turmoil.

These effects can vary drastically. However, there are some very important outcomes relative to all age groups that are wholly worth maintaining, especially if you have children and are seeking divorce. The main element to remember when considering how a child may react to divorce, (regardless of age) is always thus:

‘Removing a parent from the equation kills the illusion of the solid family unit the child has been brought up to respect.’

The results of this can manifest in a variety of ways. The most common of these by far, though, is a striking drop in productivity. Children who are raised in divorced families statistically demonstrate a lack in productivity in both school and the home. However,  that’s not to say that all children experiencing divorce will behave in this way but statistically children are more prone to acting out when involved in divorce than those raised in a family where the parents remain married.

/by James J. Gross

Making the Best of the Holidays After Divorce

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Guest Post by Donna Swanson, a legal blogger for the Law Offices of Daniel Jensen.

For many families, the holidays tend to center around families and friends. From Thanksgiving through the New Year, many people make a special effort to see their loved ones and spend time with their family. This often manifests as traveling to visit family and going through familiar family traditions. While this can be extremely exciting for many, it can be, unfortunately, particularly difficult for those going through a divorce or learning how to cope after a recent divorce.

In a divorce, a person not only separates their life from their previous spouse, but also that person’s family and friends. For some, this is not as much of an issue; however, for other people, trying to figure out what to do and how to cope without these traditions and people can be especially hard. Although it does get easier as more time passes, there are certain ways that a person can prepare him or herself so that the holidays are not as difficult.

Making the holidays easier to manage after a divorce may come easy for some; however, no matter how amicable or easy a person’s divorce was, it may be best to consider the following tips in an effort to ensure the holidays go as well as possible:

  • Start new traditions – the holidays are rife with traditions. From choosing a Christmas tree to cooking Christmas dinner, people tend to do the same activities year to year and place significant value on these. While many of these can continue after divorce, some cannot. As such, coming up with new traditions that replace some of these old traditions cannot only help you solidify the fact that you are starting a new life, but also help you avoid focusing on the old traditions.
  • Make plans in advance – the holidays typically require a great deal of planning to make things work between family and friends. This can be exaggerated when you are divorced, particularly if you have children with your ex-spouse. In order to minimize the effects this has on you and your family, not to mention avoiding unnecessary frustration and anxiety, it is usually best to plan out as many activities, traveling, and custody plans with your ex-spouse as possible.
  • Take your mind off things- whether it is scheduling more dinners and outings with your friends or working with charities, seeing people and enjoying different activities can help you from dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings.

These tips can help you ensure that you are taking all necessary steps and allow you to focus on things to make your holiday season a happier one.

/by Guest Post